


Round And Round Like A Horse On A Carousel, We Go

by ADAMWryter



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Based on a Melanie Martinez Song, M/M, barlyle - Freeform, carousel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13590471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADAMWryter/pseuds/ADAMWryter
Summary: It hurts everyday, trying to accept the truth that the man they love will never belong to them…Barnum and Phillip are just two distant horses on a carousel





	Round And Round Like A Horse On A Carousel, We Go

**Author's Note:**

> I love this couple. And the circus theme reminds me of the song Carousel by Melanie Martinez. It totally fits the situation, but not the timeline though. So don't mind it and just enjoy. 
> 
> I recommend listening to the song first or just playing it while reading. It's absolutely incredible. I listened to the song over and over when I wrote this.

Funky music of the circus is scattering throughout in the air…

The big top is shaken by the cheering of the crowd…

The animals are going wild for the show…

The breathing of the staff is invading the noise of the audience…

Everything is so alive!

Suddenly a song is played...

_Come, come one come all…_

 

Barnum’s standing in the middle of ring, exceeding the excitement of the audience. Isn’t he handsome or what? The beauty of a man at that age, his hairiness, his gorgeous sprinkles on his face, his hazel eyes, his warm voice, his face, evokes everyone. No wonder why Jenny Lind fell for him when she just met him. Well, Jenny Lind was not the only one. The people who have fallen for Barnum include Phillip Carlyle. He was a famous man who was invited to every party in town, he’s young and talented, and he has a handsome face with green eyes. He was also a man who women would line up to get a date with him, oh, and men, too; including our P.T. Barnum… Looks like both have a lot of men and women who would fall for them with just a slight glance. Both have “all” and surely they have “one” on their mind. Just… not clear, they are not even sure how they feel about their “one”…

 

_You must be this tall, to ride this ride, at the carnival…_

 

Mr. Barnum is a married man whose wife is Charity Hallett, born in a wealthy family. But she chose to run away with him despite her parents’ objection. It’s not that Barnum was interested in her because of her family background, but her willingness to give up everything and be with him until the end of the line. Mr. Carlyle was born in a wealthy family, too and chose to run away from it. And he was struck by just a glance from Anne Wheeler, a trapeze who got signed up for Barnum’s circus before him. Phillip likes wild women, who are not afraid, who desire to be free, who are brave,… and surely he likes men like that, too. Obviously, both are tall enough to “ride the ride.”

 

_Oh, come take my hand, and run through play land…_

 

Suddenly the old memories were brought back to both men’s minds. They remember the cold night at the bar where P.T. offered Phillip an escape from the miserable life of the drama acting. P.T. opened a door to the play land for Phillip. And he’s forever grateful for that, he could never imagine what he would be at the moment if P.T. hadn’t come to him and persuaded him. His stubbornness had been very helpful in the earlier past, but thanks goodness he said yes after a number of times saying no. Originally, P.T. offered 10% of the income but who are we kidding here? Phillip could have made more than that, and he had a great deal of reasons to consider to refuse. It was something about Barnum that made him interested. P.T. remembers doing that, too. He’s glad he was insisting with all of his best, he’s glad he didn’t give up. At first, it was for his plan to attract more audience. However, there are many people who could do that, too. Phillip is good but it’s not like he is the only one who could help P.T.. And why did P.T. only care about Phillip at his daughter’s ballet show? Surely P.T. was captured by Phillip’s face from the beginning…

 

_So high, too high, at the carnival…_

 

The two men had never had so much fun like how they have since Phillip joined in. Both have tried their best building the circus. But is it because of the money? Well, everyone has to make a living, don’t they? And it’s not just the joy in their jobs. It’s the joy they find in each other. Phillip was so happy with his freedom, and Barnum was so happy with the love from the crowd.

 

_And it’s all fun and games, ‘til somebody falls in love. But you already bought a ticket and there’s no turning back now…_

 

They were not sure about their feelings for each other. They were so blur, yet so vivid, they made them want to grab each other and kiss when rehearsing but also made them stop. Everything was just unsure until each accepted they have affections for the other. And how can you unlove someone you find so perfect and you meet them everyday? It’s impossible. Both have taken themselves on a hidden relationship that tortures them everyday with no turning back.

 

_Round and round like a horse on a carousel we go. Will I catch up to love? I can never tell…_

 

The two men keep on hiding their feelings for each other. They feel awkward thinking about it, thinking about what if would feel were they to fall in love with each other. A million dreams fill their sleep every night, a million scenarios are written vividly in their heads when they see each other at work… They can see visions of them kissing, gazing in each other’s eyes, holding the other’s face, dining under the candle light, embracing, teasing, performing, handholding, running fingers on the other’s hair, touching and a lot of things. But everytime those kinds of visions appear, they feel a rush with a little bit of hesitation. Ever since each man admitted he had the love for the other, they began to keep distance, like horses on a carousel… Barnum wants to know why Phillip suddenly became so distant with him and so does Phillip about Barnum. Both men think themselves are the weird one and the other will never feel the same way…

 

_I know, chasing after you is like a fairytale. But I feel like I’m glued on tight to this carousel…_

 

Thus, both think to themselves it’s best just to keep it hidden, and carry on with their current love ones that everyone knows, Charity and Anne. They feel this is like a sin, a socially unacceptable affection. It’s funny they are brave enough to stand for the runaways. They have a bearded woman, a man with his whole body tattooed, a strangely short man, a eccentrically tall man, an albino triplet, a man with elephant skin, a dog man and so on, all kinds of weird things that society has outcast, but they think the perfect world where they belong to each other is just a fairytale they tell themselves each night. Both try to keep it hidden, from everyone and try to be happy with their current love, but they can never stop the feelings for the other that they keep generating.

 

_This horse is too slow. We’re always this close…_

 

Despite all the pressures, sometimes the feelings suppressed come back to them and they have no other choice but try to give the other some hints. It’s just that each time one man tries to tell the other that he loves him, he chooses the wrong time to do it: Barnum complimented that Phillip was a good helper ever since he had hired him and wanted “more” about Phillip, then Anne walked in and Barnum embarrassedly fixed that he wanted to give Phillip a promotion (to nothing higher than that of course, this is a circus, not a company); Phillip expressed that he wanted Barnum to be “always by his side”, in front of the whole troupe then he “explained” that he wanted Barnum to be a lifetime mentor for him and never wanted to see Barnum leave the circus… Ironically, right? They all have tried to fill the gap between them, but nothing seemed to work.  It’s like being stuck on a horse on a carousel, you’re moving, chasing but you can never catch the horse in front of you.

 

_Almost, almost, we’re a freak show…_

 

Again, they own a “freak show” but they are afraid that other people will find out they have affections for each other. They enjoy the laughter from the audience, which they try to bring to them every night. But they are threatened that people will be pointing and laughing at them and discriminating them for being homosexual, especially when one man has a wife and one man has a girlfriend. They are not bisexual, it’s just they are not sure how they feel.

 

_Right, right when I’m near, it’s like you disappear. Where’d you go? Mr. Houdini you’re a freak show…_

 

Barnum and Phillip are so afraid their secrets will be spoiled, even by the other. Each man is scared they if the other finds out he has those feelings for him, he will keep the distance away from him. Each man still thinks the other has no feelings for him than just colleagueship. They fear that the other will be disgusted. Everytime a man tries to propose, the other one jokes it away and acts like he doesn’t have them same feeling because he is frightened by the thought of being looked with discriminative eyes. That’s the nightmare they have to live in, trying to tell the other how they feel and the other just ignore as if nothing happens and when the other does the same thing, so do they ignore. It’s an inescapable cycle.

 

_Why did you steal my cotton candy heart? You threw it in this damn coin slot…_

 

Sometimes they feel fed up with the tiredness of this one-sided love. Sometimes they feel the feelings are being toyed with. Sometimes they have that little thought of just letting go and moving on with the current relationship with their female partner. Sometimes they just blame the other for being so cold… for stealing their heart and throw it away…

 

_And now I’m stuck, I’m stuck riding, riding, riding…._

 

But the thoughts of giving up make them love the other even more. It’s funny and ironic you try to run away from the pain and instead enjoy it.  They could not do more than just have to make acquaintance with it, adopt it, the state of living with your heart tortured, your mind confused and your tears swallowed. They have always wished for once they could just steal the man and run away, or just kiss him, tell him everything and run away, or just simply run away without any burden of their affections, but it will never come true…

And that song keeps playing…

 

_Round and round like a horse on a carousel we go. Will I catch up to love? I can never tell. I know, chasing after you is like a fairytale. But I feel like I’m glued on tight to this carousel…_

 

It hurts everyday, trying to accept the truth that the man they love will never belong to them…

Back to the present, Barnum has finished with his opening and sent out the show… Barnum looks at Phillip in the back and Phillip looks at Barnum, they’re eye contacting but they still cannot read the sign the other’s trying to give. And both try to conceal their feelings, biting their lips and holding back their tears… They just stand there, petrified… 

And the song keeps playing…

 

_Round and round like a horse on a carousel we go. Will I catch up to love? I can never tell. I know, chasing after you is like a fairytale. But I feel like I’m glued on tight to this carousel…_


End file.
